I love baking. I just love the whole process, and I’m completely addicted to it. I love trying out a new recipe…and then trying it again, and modifying things. Just recipe development is so much fun.
This past Friday Benne and I threw a Christmas party. This is something we try to do every year. The Netherlands has a different interpretation of celebrating Christmas than what I grew up with, and I miss that. So, I started throwing an annual Christmas party just to create that ‘Christmassy feeling’ for myself and to share it with other people. I use this party also as an chance to try out all sorts of holiday recipes that I never really had an excuse to make. I try to bake around 5 cakes/desserts. This year, there’s been a lot of other things going on, plus I’ve been baking like crazy (all those cookies….) so I was feeling a bit burned out. However, I still really wanted to try some new recipes, so I went for it. The day of the party, I was not really feeling it. The first thing I did was forget about something in the oven and burned it. For my angel food cake, I forgot to wait until the egg whites were at room temp, so it raised about half of what it usually does… Then, I was mixing the whip cream frosting for a back forest cake, and went to get the last bit off the beaters. I gave one beater a whack to get the last blobs off, and ended up missing the bowl and flicking frosting all over our doormat. 🙁 Needless to say, things were not going well and I wasn’t in any kind of flow. In the end, it did come together…also thanks to Annemarie who came over early to help, and ended up doing all of my dishes (SO grateful!).
By the end of the evening, I was so tired, and didn’t want to bake anything ever again. All this to say, that the next morning, I was eating breakfast with Benne, and all I could think of was…’hmm, that red velvet recipe could use some tweaking, maybe I could bake it again this weekend and try adjusting a few things…’ See? I’m just addicted to the process. when I’m baking, I feel like I’m tapping into this part of myself, that’s a genuine expression of Abby. It feels right, and it brings me joy…even on my worst of days. BUT, in the process of doing this project/blog, I’ve come to realize something else: no matter what I’m baking, or how good or bad I am at it, or how my cakes turn out, I have no ambition to be the best. And I felt so relieved when I realized that.
Sometimes, I think I pick up on this competition-vibe among people who like to bake…and even people who don’t. I’ve felt it as well. If someone bakes something better than I do, I’ve felt threatened or jealous. I’ve also had reactions when I bake things for people, almost like I make them feel bad or guilty…that the fact that I made a yummy cake says something about them, that they are suddenly less skilled or talented? I’m not sure if I’m explaining it right… People have also suggested to me that I try getting on Heel Holland Bakt (The Dutch copycat of The Great British Bake-off)… I’ve also been name a domestic goddess (oh my). Just to be clear, this is my realization, but for myself it’s been a relief to say to all those things: screw that.
I just love baking. and I want to share that love. I love the process, the anticipation, the ups and downs. I love the point when you can’t do anything more but put your dear creation in the oven and hope for the best. I love the science and chemistry behind it all. For me, it’s not about being the best, it’s about learning, and trying and experimenting. That’s the most fun, and I’ve discovered that finding that perspective, has given me a lot of freedom. Freedom to make mistakes, freedom to have fun, freedom to be curious. AND freedom to be damn proud of a job well done when something does come out pretty and delicious! 🙂 …or when I’m able to salvage something and cover the evidence with a fancy frosting job hee hee!
I grew up in a family that valued talent and being the best. On the one hand, this taught me to work hard and strive for a higher standard. One the other hand, it made me feel paralyzed and afraid of trying new things (it’s hard to learn if you always need to be the best). One skill I’ve gained since living and being in another country is the ability to fail. That if I fail, it says nothing about me as a person, and that it’s crazy to think that I will be able to be good at everything. Failure can be really valuable…it can motivate to accept, reach out, and ask for help.
Anyway…that was a little tangent. All this to say, I’m learning and enjoying this process. I’m enjoying not being the best, and I love baking 🙂
Liefs! en fijne kerstdagen…
Abby